Lois and Craig find themselves in a hostage situation when the Lucky Aide store is held up by robbers. Hal comes home with an old wardrobe, but soon discovers it isn't the anniversary present he planned when a swarm of bats fly out and invade the house.
Bart gets an A in astronomy, so Homer takes the family out for a celebration dinner. Homer's credit card is declined. He and Marge realize that they are broke, so Homer asks Mr. Burns for a raise. With Smithers away in New Mexico mounting his play about Malibu Stacy; Mr. Burns gives Homer a promotion. Homer has to make Mr. Burns laugh. Homer becomes a clown for him with Homer's life becoming an episode of MTV's "Jackass." As the title indicates, he has no dignity. After a panda rapes him, he begins to hate the job. Lisa discovers his secret and tries to get him to retrieve his dignity. Mr. Burns eventually fires him, so he becomes a department store Santa (again?). He is in a parade as Santa when Mr. Burns offers him $1,000,000 to pull one more prank. When Homer refuses, Mr. Burns does it himself, pouring fish guts onto the children.
Peggy gets her big break when she is assigned to teach geometry at the high school. But she gets in trouble with everyone from her fellow teachers to the local Booster Club when she flunks Arlen High's star football player, David Kalaiki-Alii, the Flyin' Hawaiian.
Scully evades Doggett's help in investigating a vicious murder in a remote area of Utah, and she is trapped in the small town by a religious cult that believe a slug-like creature is the second coming of God who needs a human host to survive.
Jeff gets a new car, and when Larry takes it for a spin, a commercial comes on the radio for AAMCO, with a noise sounding much like a car horn from behind. Upon hearing this, Larry curses the man behind him, prompting the man to rear-end Jeff's brand new car. Also, Larry and Cheryl hold a dinner party.
Bender and Fry volunteer for military duty to enjoy the benefits of the soldiers's discount. When war breaks out later that same day, Leela too decides to join the all-male ranks, under the guise of Lee Lemon, and creates quite a stir for her leader, Zapp Brannigan.
